bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
