I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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