Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
