You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
