Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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