he shaved USA in his pubs
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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