Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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