My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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