Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
