the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
