just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
