so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
