my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
