I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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