my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
