I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
