A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I need to align my fucking chakras
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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