...so i touched it.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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