He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
