I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
