News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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