he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
