you didnt know i had herpes?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So gin and wine won't be happening again
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
