I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
