She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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