By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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