Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
