if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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