I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
