Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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