that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
