Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
