Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
