ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I supernannyed him into submission
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
