Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
