My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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