i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
