Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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