On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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