she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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