I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We left the knife in your bed.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
