It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
