Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
