Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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