when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
