Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
