where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
