She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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