Umm I'm too high to move.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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