Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
