1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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