FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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