So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
